I Am A Survivor

I was born June 29, 1960 in Muncie, Indiana where we resided for about two years. It was then that we moved to Columbus, Ohio to live with my grandmother. Altogether it was my two brothers, mother and I. During the early years I remember distinctly going to Indiana for summer vacation and we would go to my cousin’s house. When I was about seven, is when this cousin started to molest me. For about four years this went on until I was 11.

I remember living in the “projects” until I was about nine and that is when we moved into a house. The neighborhood was all white and my two brothers and I were the only black children at the school. Because of this, we were called names and had to fight everyday. As the neighborhood started changing we did not have to fight as much, but I started being bullied in grade school and it made me feel like something was wrong with me.

We used to go to my grandmother’s house during the summer months because my mother had to work. It was during this time that I met my best friend named Donna. Even though things seemed to start looking up a bit, I still used to feel like I was nothing so I started drinking my grandmother’s alcohol and shared it with Donna. We then started saving our little dimes and quarters until we had enough to buy our own. Back then we would drink MD 20/20, Boones Farm Strawberry Hill Wine or Night Train. We would do this all summer.

At about 12 I started Jr. High School. My brother was one year ahead of me and I ended up being told by teachers that I should be more like my brother. Those statements made me feel that I was not smart enough and again that I was not good enough. With this whirlwind, I started acting out by getting into fights and cursing out teachers. By the time I’d made it to high school, I was cutting class completely; going in the front door and out the back. I was in the marching band, but I dropped out because “they” would make fun of my clarinet. By now, I’d started going to the store and stealing alcohol. The only way I was able to go to school at this point was to be drunk.

At 17, I got pregnant and quit school altogether. My daughter ended up being born on March 22, 1978. A few months later I started smoking weed with my friend Toni. We would smoke a bag a day and we were at the bar every night. Things got so bad that I started having blackouts and became very promiscuous.

At the age of 19 I enlisted in the army, but under my own reasoning. Those reasons mostly being that you didn’t have to be 21 to drink on post, so that led to more blackouts and more one night stands. On one occasion I’d gotten with the wrong crowd and ended up blacking out only to awaken to my clothes being found thrown in the bushes and realizing I’d been raped. Unfortunately I didn’t know by who or even how many. This I kept to myself and never revealed to anyone because it made me feel damaged….so my solution was to continue to drink….heavily.

I stayed in the army until 1986. I got out because I discovered cocaine and the army started doing urine tests and I didn’t want to get caught with a dirty screening so I took my honorable discharge and ran! I ended up with what seemed a dream job working at a bar because it was easy access for my alcohol and I could do coke. I continued snorting until I discovered that you could also smoke it. All of this happened when I was 32. The sensation grabbed a hold of me right away. I believe I was addicted from the first hit. It got to the point that my kids were at my grandmother’s house more than they were at home.

Things started to rapidly go down hill: I stopped paying my bills, I lost my apartment and my car and I ended up living back with my grandmother, but I was in the streets more than I was at home. It got to the point that my grandmother put me out….but kept my kids. With this new found freedom I went buck wild. I learned how to hustle by selling my body. I also met a guy that taught me how to steal and I started to make money hand over fist…..Of course this is also the time that I started going to jail.

When I was 34 my grandmother died and my family didn’t know where to find me so they put out an APB for me. Luckily, with this, I made it home for the funeral. Afterwards my mother took my kids and I went back to the streets.

At 43 I ended up meeting up with my daughter on Easter morning and going to my sister’s house. I moved back in with my mother during this time & stopped smoking crack, but didn’t stop the drinking. Two years later, I met Diann Danely & she introduced me to Clayton Center where I entered treatment to stop drinking in 2005. While in treatment I met a young man and we fell in love and moved in with my mother where we stayed about two years until moving into our own house where we both stayed clean for three years. At this point I started using again but kept it from him for about two months when he caught me buying dope. Unfortunately he relapsed right along with me and started using again as well. We continued to get high together until we lost everything and moved back in with my mother. In 2010 we both entered treatment again where we got clean and moved eventually into our own apartment. After circumstances caused us to move back in with my mother, we started using yet again & got put out.

We ended up staying at hotels until my husband got arrested so at this point I was alone until he was put on work release and was able to help me keep a stable room. In 2015, however, I entered treatment for the third time. I ended up getting put out of treatment because they told me that they could not help me. I went home, got a job, got a car and went to find my husband but I returned to the streets & stealing until I was caught and ended up with three cases back to back.

I ended up being sent to prison in June 2018 and was released September 2018 and moved in with my son. I was drinking on a daily basis and entered treatment again at the age of 58. I have been clean 97 days as of today and I know I never have to use again…..one day at a time.